Morning comes after a hard night of not sleeping. No matter how much I wish the sun wasn’t there yet, it still burns through the window bringing the mornings light into my own little world.
The first battle of the day is still yet to be fought: getting out of bed. Seems such a simple thing, something even the youngest amongst us can do without the merest modicum of effort. But those young ones haven’t really lived yet have they? They have yet to taste the bittersweet nectar of life. They haven’t felt the burden of responsibility and know nothing of hardship, yet.
Oh to be ignorant again.
It’s true when they say you never really know what you have until it’s gone. I long for the days when I could sail a whole day away daydreaming idle fantasies, pretending I was a great hero amidst mighty battles prophesised to prevail towards some greater destiny.
Precious few times does life live up to those dreams…
When you argue against reality, you’re asking to get hurt. I’ve learnt this time and time again but the lesson never really seems to stick. I find myself repeating history, repeating past mistakes, setting myself up for failure. You’re too hard on yourself they say. You shouldn’t take life so seriously.
When worry and expectation are this hardwired into your mind it’s hard to escape the inevitability of it. You ache for success more than anything. You long for them to look at you the way that they did… once upon a time. You find yourself falling towards anything that you might be the smallest bit gifted at, you cling to it, and you try to own it.
A pedestal to stand on so that you can feel like you’re worth something.
But it wasn’t yours to own, it never was. It wasn’t yours to cling to, but it hurts no less when it’s taken from your grasp. Someone is always better than you, a harsh but humbling fact of life. I don’t long to be better than anyone, only for them to look at me with eyes full of wonder, just once more. Now even my greatest achievements are darkened with failure.
And yet some part of me knows that I put the darkness of failure there. It was my own doing, but I resent it. I let things go, I pushed things away. Just a few more minutes I’d say. It was my choice to be where I am now, but I can’t own it, no matter how hard I try. It was always someone else’s fault, always looking for a scapegoat even when I didn’t mean to.
I resent it, and so I resent myself.
The morning daylight is so hard to face when you can’t even escape into your own mind. When you don’t like the person who lives there. When you’re frightened of what you’re going to find out about yourself if you do.
So you stay there beneath the sheets, praying your mind will wonder off, back to that dark place where minds go when you sleep. Just to be dead to the world for a few more minutes.
You lose the fight however. You force yourself up. “Face the world, Jay” you say. You wash your face, put on the mask people expect from you and fight another day.
Which mask do I need to wear today?
Ramblings Of A Somewhat Sane Jay 