Has anyone seen my road!?

I’ve been on a bit of a depressive bent lately (you might have noticed) and I keep letting that depression bleed over onto this blog. I say ‘letting’ as, while I do and am using this blog for a kind of web catharsis, I also think its important to put the thoughts of a typical depressed person onto the internet for all of the world to see. For solidarity’s sake. And if at any point I make someone feel like they are not alone, or help someone to understand what their loved one is going through then it was all worth it in the end.

Here is something I wrote a few days ago whilst in a depressed state. I put fingers to a keyboard and let it flow. Don’t expect too much sense. Or any at all really.

”

Once upon a time I walked along a road. The road was long, full of twists and turns, it wasn’t always the easiest path to take. There would be long stretches of this road that felt so uncomfortable underfoot, uneven cobbles and wretched stones would jar my balance and jab my feet. I would feel the pressure at my ankles; it ached for me to stop, to just sit still for a while and have a rest. Id slow down here and there, just to let the ache ease, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t leave the road because I knew where I was going. There was a goal in sight, or at least in mind. Sometimes this goal seemed so far off as to not even be there anymore, but in my heart I knew there to be some purpose, some driving force, compelling me forwards, towards my goal. It carried me.

I have long since lost that force. Gone are the days of ceaseless travel and unwinding roads. These days I sit still, the road is gone and the world passes me by. Everything is rushing towards its end, adventures travelled, discoveries made and I am being left behind. It is almost as though there was never a road there to begin with. The road was something I imagined. A construct that I used to distract myself from life, from all the woes and worries. Nothing could touch me because my road would carry me on, and one day everything would be better. No more pain, no more fear or doubt. Everything would crystallise, condense and fall into place, of this I was certain.

I envy my prior self. I envy that certainty. Everything is uncertain these days. Directionless, stagnant, unmoving and immobile, everything grinds to a halt. All is still and unchanging. Colour fades to grey and innovation leaves your word behind. Your soul gets lost. The spark that kindles the flames of passion and joy in your life are doused. Thick, grey smog smothers all. At first you relish the opportunity to have a rest, to take some time to yourself. To ease the pressure at your ankles. No more walking for a short while. As you bask in the latency, times passes. Days, weeks, months but the smog doesn’t clear. You hunger for daylight, for sunshine, for warmth and colour and radiance. Try as you might to reach towards the sky, sunlight is gone, all is grey.

Your eyes and your heart hurt, your road has gone and your purpose is lost. You are withering in this sea of grey, and you’re forgetting how to swim. Each breath is a gasp, so little air now. You suffocate, all corners of your life are crushed from hope, and you rest in despair.

”

 

My! That got dark!